Marriage. Marriage is between two people who love, cherish, and accept each other’s flaws and greatness. My first marriage did not cover any of these points. I thought I loved this person. But when we got married at city hall I said to myself, “What did I just do?”. I married this man because I had a child with him who was a year old on our wedding day. I thought I was doing the “right” thing for her. I was 19 when I became pregnant and I was convinced that I loved this man. Looking back, I was unsure of myself and really didn’t know what I wanted. Flowing with the tide was my motto and be damned if the current took me in a direction that was away from the safety of the shore.
A year later after we were married, we separated. We were celebrating my birthday at my parents’ house and he was in a terrible mood. He told me that he wanted to leave, but I wasn’t ready. A couple of minutes later when I heard him leave, I didn’t think anything of it. I thought that he went outside to smoke a cigarette. However, thirty minutes later the phone rang and he informed me that he’d taken the car and gone home. He left me at my parents’ house, on my birthday, with our two-year-old daughter! What kind of man or husband does that? Mine! After a couple of hours of calling, hanging up, and yelling, my father drove me to where we were living. We argued more and eventually, I left with the car and necessary clothing for me and my daughter.
Over the next couple of years, he was remorseful about his actions, we reconciled and I ended up pregnant again. We were still living apart, but begin to look for a new apartment for our growing family. However, as soon as this began; it ended. What was this entire relationship really about? Me. I thought that if I did the right thing, and helped him with the changes he wanted to make, everything would be better. I was known in the Alcohol Anonymous world as an Enabler and he was an alcoholic. When I was seven months pregnant with my son, I began to attend Alanon. This is the support group for family and friends of alcoholics.
What I Learned
You may think “poor me”; do not! I ask you not to think of my failure, but as a person who learned a valuable lesson. Every failure can be reviewed as “What did I learn from this experience?”. I learned that I needed to take my life back.
Failure → Strength
Taking my life back made me realize that I had wonderful parents who let me live with them while helping to raise my two young children. I remembered that I had a good job and mutual, reciprocal love from my parents and my children. I finally understood that the love for my husband was based on the love for my daughter. I concluded that those feelings should be independent of one another and it wasn’t.
I was afraid of living without my children’s father but understood we already were without him. I procrastinated on leaving for good because of my own insecurities and my resentment about my own poor decisions; thinking all along that I could correct the past. Guess what I found out? I don’t have a time machine and cannot change what has already occurred, but I could change my future.
Strength → Success
My success is not only from my realization, but the strength I gathered from my kids. As I went forward in my time machine, I saw a future in which I would have to cooperate with him for the betterment of the kids. I did not have to work with him for the benefit of my life. My life was destined to not be emotionally tied to his emotions. I was not living for him. I was living for me and them.
We think procrastination is just not making the time to take care of a task. It isn’t. Procrastination is tied to your emotions. It is a means of delaying a task that you have to work at to complete and does not usually provide that instant gratification that you get by eating your favorite ice cream. By giving in to your procrastination you are instantly rewarding yourself. You are not facing pain at that moment. You put it off to experience it another day. Another day never is realized.
Stop. Think. Move Forward.
I hope you realize where this is going? Do not fear the pain that might occur from making a difficult decision. It is only temporary. You may feel that your world is falling apart. I guarantee you it is not. Live a life you are meant to live.
The best and last note about this story? I met my current husband exactly one day after I hired a lawyer to file for divorce from my first husband.
So, I ask you: Epic failure? Or Epic Success?
