Is it the fear of failing? Or is it the failure to recognize the fear that is holding you back? Are you sabotaging your own efforts? And what can you do to change your outcome? Or is it something else.
I am married to a wonderful man for over 20 years, but he is not my first husband. I took me over five years to not be afraid to end that relationship. You see, I had two children with him. We got married when our daughter was about two. I finally agreed to marry him because I thought it was “the right thing”. When we left the judge’s chambers after pronouncing us married, all I could think was, “What did I just do?”.
I knew from that day I made the wrong choice. I believed that because of all the heart and soul I put into this relationship before we married that I could just keep moving forward. Eventually, it would get better. It didn’t.
Choices Seen or Unseen
Our lives are filled with choices and decisions that can have significant outcomes for the rest of our lives. Do I choose to continue in a relationship that is not moving forward because I THINK that things will change? Do I continue the same career path because I do not think that I am qualified to do anything else? And countless other thoughts.
There are many questions that can be asked, but only one right answer for you.
What’s Happening to me?
Fear of failure (also known as Atychiphobia) may be a mask for Anxiety Disorder. The main characteristic is the inability to attempt any goal that is not a guaranteed success. You may have physical systems such as difficulty breathing, tightness or pain in your chest, dizziness, digestive distress, hot or cold flashes, or sweating.
Every time you relive stressful memories your body remembers them as well. Emotional trauma triggers the nervous system. This voluntary nervous system has sensory nerves that carry information to and from the central nervous systems (muscles, sensory organs). This triggers hormones to and from the brain and spinal cord. This means in a nutshell, the trauma you felt from your experience through memory, is also felt in your body again each time.
The only way to truly find out is to decide and not really think about if you are punishing yourself and move in a better direction or stay.
Put blinders on
Horses that pull wagons or are in a race (such as the Kentucky Derby) wear blinders that attach to a bridle or hood. This prevents them from seeing behind them or beside them. They keep focused on their task ahead.
Sometimes, it is difficult to make ANY decision because we are so anxious. This anxiety holds us back. It can be a fear of disappointing people that we hit a dead end. You bring your past experience into your sight or are fearful of what people around you may say.
Crystal clear decisions are never easy during an anxious moment, but we sure can see EVERYTHING after the fog has lifted. If you could make decisions based on your focus on the future and not your past, what would you do?
So, put your blinders on and move forward.
Procrastination = Fear = Anxiety
Why do we not make decisions? We procrastinate on making any decision because we are afraid that we will make the wrong one or are just too overwhelmed. This leads to further anxiety and the wheel keeps spinning around and around.
In my life, I have made many wrong decisions and was fearful that I would continue to make poor choices. Choices that would dramatically alter my existence. I got pregnant at 19 and choose to have that child. I got pregnant again at 25 and choose to have that one as well. And when my youngest was 9 months, I choose to file for divorce. Each of these changed my life profoundly. But, with those life-altering decisions, I raised two wonderful loving kids. I also found the love of my life just one day after filing for divorce from my first husband.
Getting Past the Fear
There are many ways to combat our past, limiting beliefs and anxiety. However, the first thing that you must do is identify what is stopping you from moving forward.
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor
Here are some ideas to pinpoint:
- What messages did you hear or see from your parent(s) or role models growing up?
- Where in your life do you wish you were more confident?
- In your life, what do you say “I could never do that?”
- What is creating the biggest challenge in your life?
Now with a list of your limiting beliefs in hand, ask what specifically happened in your life that made you believe these things? Ask this question with each of your beliefs.
In Mastin Kipp‘s book, Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks that Keep you Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose, he writes in-depth about identifying your limiting beliefs and transforming your life. The reader identifies the root of each limiting belief by using these steps:
- 5. Behavior
- 4. Story/Thoughts/Mental Level
- 3. Emotion
- 2. Beliefs
- 1. Original Incident
Identifying the “limiting belief” frees you from the past. This way you will not continue saying “that’s just the way life is” or “that’s just how I am”. Fear from our past is the obliteration of our future. By getting to the root of the beliefs that you want to eliminate, you can replace them with ones that are beneficial.
Life is difficult to navigate. Stop looking over your shoulder at your past and look to what is possible in the future. Be BOLD, but do not limit yourself by believing what happened in the past is set for your ongoing life.
