I have been known to have a temper. Things wouldn’t go my way and I would become frustrated and my head and heart would explode with grief and anxiety which would pour out of my mouth! I was so mad at the other person that I held a grudge.
The thing is people I worked with or my friends and family would look at me like a dog twisting their head to understand. It was so out of my character. I am normally calm and think things through before reacting. I was the even-keeled individual that people could talk to and could just “chill” with.
Occasionally I would get aggravated by an individual but not react, rationalize and make excuses. But the more I thought about it I would get offended and hold a grudge and the feelings of hurt I endured. I might still speak with that person, but I maintained a more reserved nature. In other words, I tolerated their presence.
The Story
When my daughter graduated from high school, we took the family out to celebrate. This included my brother, parents, and my daughter’s family on her father’s side. The evening’s dinner was at our favorite Japanese teppan restaurant. You know where the chef cooks your food in front of you.
We were having a wonderful time. Something went wrong. My brother’s order was taken inaccurately. He tried to correct the chef, who nervously laughed it off. There was nothing he could do at the time. It was the order that was presented to him by the waiter. Thinking that the chef was making fun of him, he exploded. I tried to calm him down and eventually took him outside to remove the toxic air from the festivities. Because of the time spent outside with him I missed the evening to spend with my young graduate. It’s a time that I will never get back.
Two days later I spoke to him and demanded an apology for his overreaction and if he didn’t, I didn’t have anything else to say to him until he did. He said, “Oh, well,” turned on his heel, and walked away. I didn’t speak to him for over two years. My mother tried time and time again to get me to reconcile with him. I was too hurt to agree.
My Grudge
This injustice I felt toward my only sibling is not unusual. It happens with children toward their brothers and sisters and their parents. Parents are against their children. Everyone feels hurt by their friends, co-workers, teachers, classmates, etc. Animosity arises when we find difficulty letting go of the hurt even if we feel we are not in the wrong.
Moving past being a victim and only taking the blame for your own reactions and not that of the other person is living life from your head and not your heart. How do we do that? Live from our heart and not feel hurt? First, be like Elsa from Frozen and “Let it Go”. Anytime we think about the pain we have felt it makes our bodies (and brain) relive that pain repeatedly. It’s called ruminating.
Physical Effects
This ruminating has a physical effect on our bodies. It increases the stress levels of cortisol which can impact
- the immune system – chronic stress lowers the number and function of white blood cells.
- cardiovascular system – increases heart rate and blood pressure which could lead to a heart attack.
- our gut – We have a very large immune system in our gut. The bacteria can be reduced and you can gain weight. Might as well eat a high-fat diet.
- and even our sex drive. Yikes! – Too stressed to “get in the mood”? Need I say more?
If we don’t let go, we get hurt again. It becomes a vicious cycle of hate and hurt and leads to hurt physically and mentally.
How do we get out of the Hurt?
To get out of this hurtful cycle we need to proceed with kindness, compassion, and (my personal favorite), Mindfulness.
- Compassion – Self-judgment must be replaced with compassion. Would you treat your best friend without that compassion? My best friend is my husband and we have our moments, but they always come from a place of respect, awareness, and love.
- Kindness – Be kind to yourself. Notice what is happening inside your body and mind. Can you be okay with how you are feeling?
- Mindfulness – The basic definition of this word is being present. Listen, feel, and understand what you are feeling in your head and heart.
The first action to take about your self-judgment is to be aware that the words and actions of others are about them, not about you. Identify how it is affecting you. What is happening with you? How is the feeling inside your head and heart? Can I be okay with this? If you can, proceed with kindness with yourself and the other you feel hurt.
Michael A. Singer writes in The Untethered Soul to get to a place of forgiveness that stems from being wronged you need to open up, feel the emotions and let them move “through”. Only then can you open your heart and proceed with kindness.
Remember that every action we take affects our village. Change your perspective on what really matters. Your heart, body, and soul will thank you. Have you been hurt by someone that was close to you? Let me know.
