If your kids hate you, you are doing something right!
Ever had that feeling? A quote from Bette Davis states “if you’re not hated by your children, you’ve never been a parent”. Children should be treated as children, not your friend. That can piss them off.
What is your responsibility as a parent? My idea of responsibility as a parent was to ensure that my children grew to be well-adjusted, respectful, and responsible members of society.
The moment you realize you are contributing to the next generation of society there is either elation or “oh crap”. Your choice. If you choose the former, visions of your future with this child begin like a well-laid outdance. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and shake it all about. . .
Our children come with one definite component, unconditional love. You have a great parent-child relationship. They begin to walk, talk, and are “oh so cute”. Everyone agrees with their cuteness. Then sometime after the terrible two (or three) years of age and adolescence begins. They grow up! Eventually, they begin forming their own opinions. They get their influences to grow beyond their parents. Suddenly the words, “I hate you!” come out of their mouth. You ask yourself, What did I do or say to deserve this?
In the Beginning
When our kids are babies, they rely on us for EVERYTHING. We are the care and feeding machines for them. We change our schedule to fit theirs. Our lives revolve around them and hopefully, parents and their children 
become a symbiotic unit. However, as they grow, so does their independence from us. We are okay with that aspect of life because as they learn and grow, so do we. The continuation of growth also means that they gain more independence from their parent figures and begin to assert their independence. You’ve seen it. The rolling of eyes, impulsivity, talking back, not talking to you at all, or worst – lying. These emotional challenges can feel like a punch in the stomach especially if you have been close to them. But if these are your only conflicts, then you probably have a good relationship with your kids.
What is Going on in that Head of Yours?
Let’s look at and consider neurobiology. Your child’s brain is not the same as when they were born and is not the same as an adult’s. There are biological factors that need to be considered. Adolescence (your crazy pre-teen or teen) is transitioning along with physical attributes. Can we all say, awkward?
The area of the brain we are most concerned with at this development is called the pre-frontal cortex or PFC. It’s located right behind your forehead. This part of your brain controls reason and what makes us stop, think, and then react. In a teen or pre-teen, the PFC is still developing and maturing. Scientists believe that this is why they are so impulsive.
Teenagers are learning how to be an adult with the person that they feel the most comfortable with, YOU! They are now looking at you as a person with flaws. They now have the experience and capability to compare you with their friends’ parents, grandparents, television, school, media, or their peers.
What do you do as a parent?
First thing, breathe! They are still your children. They still trust, love, and respect you though it may not seem like it. They are confused. Here are a couple of things that can help:
- When they want to talk, give them your attention.
- Listen calmly and concentrate on their point of view.
- Try not to make judgments when they share and understand their feelings and don’t humiliate them.
- Let them know how much you appreciate their conversation and when they try out new ideas don’t judge them.
When your preteen or teen wants to talk to you feel and enjoy the appreciation. This is a rare occasion and will be beneficial. This is an opening that can help in the future. If you need to do more than listen, ask them open-ended questions that are collaborative. These questions begin with statements of explaining; tell me, when, or why. Remember to not feel like you are being attacked. Follow up the answers with suggestions such as,
- How do you feel about XYZ?
- Is there anything else you would like to add?
- Tell me about XYZ? (to re-direct a question or answer)
Trust and Believe
The biggest idea is asking their permission to talk about a sensitive subject. When your child was younger you may have given them a choice between two different outfits to wear, give your preteen a choice by asking permission to engage further into a difficult subject. Above all, remain positive. Positive psychology is a wonderful tool to have in your corner. Supporting their emotions with a positive position will help your child continue to be close to you for now and in the future. This hopefully will support engagement and further a mutual understanding of trust and respect between you and your child.
After all this, just remember one main thing – your teen is your teen. They will continue to grow, learn, and make good judgments and poor decisions. Helping them realize their potential is your job. You may have wanted a child for the cuddles and unconditional love, but there is a tempest between the baby and the adult. You will get unconditional love from your adult child if you provide smooth(er) sailing for your teen. You just have to weather the storm in between.
